


Breath

by porzia1967



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst and Feels, I really love Robert Sugden, M/M, My First Fanfic, Soul pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-23
Updated: 2017-11-23
Packaged: 2019-02-05 23:06:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12804345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/porzia1967/pseuds/porzia1967
Summary: Robert feels the kick of his child, but he only thinks about the missing hand of his husband over his own hand.





	Breath

“Breath”, Robert thought, “just breath”, while the peak of the pain subsides. The kick of his child, his own child, should have carried a full blow of joy out of him, but he only feels the missing hand of his husband over his own hand, to relish, to share, to complete a moment that should be important for both of them. But it is not.

Robert excuses himself and goes back to his room, another borrowed room in a house which is not a home, never has been and never will be. Everyone can see that it is a beautiful house, a large mason, a symbol of power that he had craved for so long, in another life, before Aaron. Maybe right now this big place is his house, but not his home. His home has amazing blue eyes and beautiful dark curly hair. Well, better it had...not his home anymore.

Thinking about what he had lost brings back all the pain, which he only manages to hide in the back of his mind when completely absorbed by his vengeance plot. If Robert stops and thinks deeply into his vendetta need, he can see that he simply doesn't want to be the man Aaron has made him become, no more, not without him. But he doesn't want to think, can't think about it: only the old shifty and cold himself can function without the love of his live, the new Robert would only curl up in a fetal position and cry, while trying to remind how to breath. So he has buried it, under his rage and his plan to destroy the devilish White family, becoming a devil himself: it doesn't matter since Aaron is gone and Robert has to concentrate only to breath.

His breathing has calmed down, his mind not so fuzzy like just few minutes before. However the pain is still there and he knows that the next night would be another night wherein he should relish his loss, finding out that tears have no end, not really, a steady flow being able to soak his cushion and even his clothes when he has not the power to undress before curling up into his bed.

The only way to go through all this would be imagining another reality, his usual dream for endless sleepless nights. Robert has had so many of these nights he has lost count. He always starts his painful ritual by scrolling the photos on his smartphone (even if they do not compare with the original). Images after images till his mind can materialize Aaron by his side, like a hologram and then everything fit into place, just for few hours, till the morning sunshine. 

Robert bitterly thinks this alternate universe is his own version of the beach that he has just suggested to Becs to visualize to calm down her pain. Robert knows that it is only an illusion, a way to temporary fix something that cannot be fixed, the pain staying away only few hours, sometimes through a say, till something brings all back: such a small village has too many memories of them. 

It seems that a broken heart is more painful than a birth, Robert thinks while fetching his phone and beginning with his soothing but not painless routine.

The photo with Aaron in his wedding suite is always the first one, the happiest day of his life, of their life he hopes, remembering the love in Aaron eyes when only the barn walls have been the witnesses of their vows and of their love, which seemed so unbreakable less than a year ago. But he cannot think about it today, not yet, the ritual has to continue.

The next photo is the one with the both of them slightly drunken in Robert's car, after a really awkward snugging session, right before the Woolpack. They were like true teenagers willing to delay the entering into their home. Strange, Robert thinks, how the Woolpack was a home, even with so many other people sharing it, only because Aaron was there, with his lager-flavored kiss and so much love to be sometimes unbearable for Robert, who at that times thought and now certainly knows that he doesn't deserve Aaron's love.

Then, its favorite picture, the one that Robert has taken when Aaron was asleep, his fluffy hair free of gel and such a peaceful smile on his beautiful face that has always been so rare to be seen, making Aaron look so young and free from all the troubles that have actually filled his life in. Robert has thought and still thinks that he is the most lucky man in the world having had the possibility of sharing a part of his life with Aaron, being perfectly aware that even in such a short amount of time, Aaron has changed his life forever.

Robert than closes his eyes and drowns in this fake world, wherein the love of Aaron still light up his days and Robert can stare, touch, kiss the man that has been, not is everything to him.

But his mind is playing tricky today and, also when in his fantasy world, Robert is drawn towards imagining Aaron and Robert and a baby, his unborn child.

Even if they have not truly talked about babies during their time together, not thinking about a baby at that time but hinting the possibility, maybe in their future, Robert can revive the words that Aaron had said before everything had gone wrong: "You'd be a good dad...Because you'd have me helping ya", and Robert had hoped, truly hoped, that he could have found a way of working though things, with Aaron by his side. That even if the whole situation with Rebecca and the Whites was a walking disaster and not at all what he had ever wanted, this baby could have been part of his family, the one with Aaron and Liv, the one that no more exists, the only one family of Robert, then and now. But now he is alone and feeling the baby's kick has brought only pain and nostalgic memories.

"No, stop, stop", Robert says to himself, wanting to spend few more minutes in his mending universe, with Aaron, surrounded by their love, even if only within his own mind. And in the bottom of his heart, where love and hope never end, he found himself newly wrapped in Aaron's arms, sloppy kisses exchanged in a time where he could only look at Aaron's lips to be rewarded with a kiss and, despite all his despair, he finds himself hoping that one day all that could be again true, that it could exist again an us, that he could be again complete.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my reaction to the episode wherein Robert feels the kick of his child; hope you enjoy reading it ;-)


End file.
